insecure?!...

this is my first post in a long time-the first this year.the posts have essentially been rare,and i guess i have always been to blogger in a state of emotional outburst,when i've got no one to talk to...and its a typical process at that-first music ,then the terrace, n then trying to sleep...its a predictable scene if i throw over my blanket at this point of time and drag my chair in front of my laptop, and yours truly has a new (usually pathetic ?) story to tell.
the last couple of weeks have been magnanimous-lots has happened-i guess i absorbed it all quite decently -maybe due to the fact that i was already mentally worn out to the point of exaustion-almost as if you keep on slapping a person in a state of trance he will probably feel sorry for some other guy he thinks is being slapped so ruthlessly-its only when he awakens the next day does the pain start registering-almost a good thing i suppose,except for the one swollen cheek.
its only when i've consciously begun to heed my actions nowadays that i feel more lost-and more vulnerable.my terrible academic performance this semester,papa being diaganosed with diabetes,the shooting up of my eyepower-almost to an alarming level-and on top of that the guilt that papa waited almost a year before getting his eyes checked-just because he wanted it done with me.the ignorance,despite the problems he was having maybe led him to the disease he dreaded the most.he took it in quite good spirit though,and in those couple of days i too was too busy with the various tests and formalities to really feel what was going on,but now, settling down in regular life over here,the facts have begun to register more brutally now-and have essentialy left me with a big void i just can seem to analyse or get over with.at least the last week here has been robotic for me -regular classes,friendly banter,regular mess food and sleeping early-everything the proper way.yet a feeling of aloofness constantly is there,as if im in a state of trance-i almost believe still now,writing this post,that i am describing the feelings of some other guy far away...as if all this is happening to some other person i am connected with,but,thankfully,not to me.


And i feel very insecure when this trance breaks momentarily sometimes.very very insecure indeed.